The King of Cancer Comedy Tour (rated PG)

When I found out I had rectal cancer I decided I wanted to get one of those cancer support wrist bands. You know, they have the Lance Armstrong yellow ones for testicular cancer, and they have pink ones for breast cancer.
I don't think I want the rectal cancer writst band - it's brown, with little corn kernals in in it.

I can't make this stuff up.

So anyway,the doctor tells me I have a one in eight chance of ending up with a permanent colostomy.
That's right, not only will I be a useless asshole, I'll have a useless asshole.

seriously.

I was sitting out in the sun today. Don't worry I had on sunblock. I don't want to take any chances.
After all, I already have cancer where the sun don't shine.

Thank you,

You're great!

I'll be here all week, then I metastasize over to the Chuckle Room at the Exit 34 Holiday Inn Express.